I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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