oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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