i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
