I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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