No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
