Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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