I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I need help removing her.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
