i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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