To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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