don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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