Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
