The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
