I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
