I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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