I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
