hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
