Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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