Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
