If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
