I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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