never play flip cup with pint glasses
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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