apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
