I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
