i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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