i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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