You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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