You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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