I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
