in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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