Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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