Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
