Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
