I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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