my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
