I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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