the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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