I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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