Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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