Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"