I love you!
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.