maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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