I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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