Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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