dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
