i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
