I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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