the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
my poor anus
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
