Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
