My nipple is on Facebook.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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