yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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