be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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