I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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