I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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