throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
