she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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