Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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