oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
