if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
