Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
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its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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